2004-03-04
I'm shaking as I write this.I slept over at her house like we always used to do before I got weird. I love her house. Her mom is always making something or cooking something. She doesn't have any animals to feed. She doesn't have an over-sexed older brother.
We fell asleep really late, because we were talking about stupid things. I woke up early like I always do at her house. It took a few minutes to register what was going on. We had fallen asleep on one of her sister's old, unzipped Hello Kitty sleeping bags. She was holding my waist. Her arms were around me, pulling me close to her. My hands were holding her face like in those old movies. We were so scarily close. It made me feel good and guilty and awful and wonderful all at the same time.
It took me, like, three minutes to figure out what was going on. When I finally did, however, that was the second she decided to wake up. She opened her eyes really slowly, looked at me, and smiled. Then she realized what was going on.
At the same second we both tried to jump away, because when you wake up and you're only about a foot away from them, it scares you. Only, the thing is, we couldn't jump away real fast and pretend like it never happened, because it turns out that under the blanket our legs were all tangled together, causing us to just kind jump around in an unorderly fashion.
When we finally got untangled and had crawled to opposite sides of the room, we tried to joke about it. Needless to say, it didn't work. Then we tried to talk it out slowly. That didn't work either. We just kind of mumbled until I said, "Look, Kiko, maybe I should just go." At this she nodded and helped me gather up my stuff without looking me in the eyes.
Since my birthday isn't until the summer, I don't have my license yet and neither does Kiko (hers is a week after mine), her mom had to drive me home at eight in the morning (which she was NOT happy with). Her mom screamed at her in Japanese, asking, "Why is she going home now? I thought her mom was picking her up at two. You guys always hang around in my way all afternoon. What is going on?" (I don't know Japanese, Kiko told me later). My mom was just as surprised, but she didn't yell at me in Japanese.
We mentally swore that we wouldn't talk about it again. We didn't have to say it, it was just expected. I want to ask her what was going on. How we got like that. Why were we so close. Was it a coincidence, or a sub conscious behavor? Was it me, or her? It was me. I know it.
If it was me though, why did she smile at me when I was so close and personal to her? I don't understand. I want to talk to her about it, but it's just too hard.