2004-03-31
Dear Kiko,
I write you notes all the time. We pass them to each other in class and between classes, but somehow, and amazing somehow, this one will be different.
I hate to fall into this old cliche`, but I don't know how to say it, so I'll just say it.
I love you.
I love you so deeply. This is not what you're thinking. I know at this moment you are saying in your head, "What does she mean? She has told me she loves me before. I've told her, too. We've all told each other we love each other...Middle school graduation, every time I go to Japan or any time any of us flies...Why is it different?"
But it IS different, Kiko. So different. I love you for who you are. I love you like a man loves a woman. Truely, madly, deeply. I want to shout it to the world. I want to tell you and my parents and everyone I meet in Wal-mart and Rusty's.
I know you are in disbelief. I was in such disbelief as well. Remember me constantly banging my head against the nearest locker or book? Do you remember my long silences around you? My staring into space? The way I avoided your eyes? It was all because of you. And everything you are. Everything you are to me.
I tried to stop it for so long. You don't know. Again and again and again I told myself I was crazy. I refused to think about you. I did everything I could to stop all the things I'm feeling for you, but it didn't happen. It wouldn't happen. It wasn't supposed to happen.
I'm now wondering if it's just you that has made me feel like this. Am i totally and completely lesbian? Or is it just you that makes me want to give up all testosterone forever?
I don't know any of this. I doubt I have even touched the surface. i do know that I love you. I love everything about you. You're so beautiful, so graceful, so emotionally fulfilling in every way. I want to be the one who makes you laugh and be the one who you immediately think of when you want a study group or need soemon to talk to.
So what does all this mean? Does it mean I'm a attention craving freak? Does it mean I'm just trying to live on the edge? Does it mean I really love you?
Yes, it does. I do love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you over and over again.
Maybe you will forgive me. Maybe you will forgive what I'm saying and we can continue on. I doubt it. I doubt I will ever even send this.
Please, please forgive me. Please let me stay the same in your heart. You have no idea what courage it has taken for me to just pen these words:
I'm lesbian.
It sounds dirty, like I don't want to touch it. I must confront it though. I am probably and most likely completel lesbian.
I wish more than anything else that you would be fine with this. I do not want to cause you any pain. Ever. I want to protect you.
Please, forgive me.
Truely, madly, deeply,
Sarah Honey
I'll never mail it. never give it to her. It sounds as though I'm a stalker. I'm not. I stay away from her if possible.
That's where my username came from. The nickname started in sixth grade. She just started calling me Sarah Honey one day. She said my skin was so tanned it looked like honey. I don't know what that means with her.