2004-04-02
We skipped school today to go to the beach. Today was the last day before spring break anyway, so it's not like we missed anything. Ally drove (darn her early birthday). I sat in the back with Marie and Ally and Kiko sat in the front. It was such a long drive, but so worth it.It was so nice to sit in the hot sun without having to worry about tests and everything else. The Kiko thing was still tugging at the back of my minds like a million tiny wasps, all stinging slowly, leaving just a little pain each time.
It was really hard for me to sit there on a two hour car ride and all day at the beach with her in that bathing suit... she hasn't worn a bikin in years. I'm talking since Kyle Shipburg de-bikinied her at the fifth grade graduation pool party. (By the way, he did not get away with that. She punched him in the jaw and arm then ran into the bathroom and cried. I was there for that, too. He had a bruise for four days) She was so paranoid to wear one after that. She stuck with one-pieces and tankinis. God, she looked like a million bucks. Legs, they were so longish and slender, with her thin waist and great hair. I shouldn't have been looking. I feel so bad. But it was just so hard not to! I guess that was the devil tempting me as they always say in church every sunday. Whatever. I don't where I stand in that.
Anyway, ride was tolerable enough, despite her senseless taunting. (No matter how unaware she was that she was doing it) Once we got there, we all immediately ran into the water. We spent all day running around and teasing each other. We ate at this cafe thing down the street and Marie got the sunburn of her life. Great fun. What a way to kick off spring break. Spending all day skipping school with your friends at a beach.
She looks so damn good in a bathing suit.
Just so damn good.
Now I feel so bad. Looking at girls is BAD. That's what "they" have been drilling into my head forever. Being gay is bad. Those people just want attention. They don't really feel that way about people of the same sex. They can help who they fall in love with and what they feel. They don't really love people of the same sex. they just want attention.
I'm telling you now, I DO NOT now, or ever, want attention from this. I will never tell a living soul beyond those who stumble onto my diary and have no real clue who I am. I can't help what I feel towards her. I can't help that I want to take her in my arms and kiss her. I can't help that I think about her when I'm not with her. I can't help thinking about her when I am with her. I don't care that she's of the same sex. I can't stop loving her.
I can't stop.