2004-05-09
Her being sexy is so difficult for me to understand. Why are her lips the perfect shape and her hair the perfect color and length? Why does she tease me so with her wonderful butt and soft skin? I don't get it. It's all so wonderful in so many different ways, yet I never get to say what I really want to about her.I would love to sit there with her for hours and tell her everything I love about her. I would love to be there next to her on all the rainy days when she stays inside or on all the sunny days when she runs.
Some would tell me just to come out and let people know that I'm "like that", or even considering my attraction to the same sex. I'm still not quite sure where I am there. Will I grow more and finally come out and get it over with, or is this just some sort of stage I'm going through where I like girls?
I honestly don't think it is a phase. I think I will be this way for a long time, and I always have been this way. So, why not tell her? because I'm scared of what will happen. I don't have my mother's warrior blood in me. i can't come out and tell people that I'm out of the ordinary. I can't do it.
When other people do it amazes me though. I was at a party on friday, a sweet sixteen for a close friend in the band, and one of the other girls that I didn't know very well came out and says that she's not interested in any of us, but she's bi. That took courage. Was she just wanting attention liike everybody always says about gay or bi people? No. She wasn't. If you had seen the look on her face. She was embarrassed. She did not want to be the way she is. She hadn't made it to total lesbian, and I doubt she will.
Another girl, that I do know pretty well, told us that she has been cutting herself for the past year and now she can't stop. She came out for help. To a roomful of girls that she only partly knew some of, she told us she needed help. That is courageous.
I want to be like that. I want to let people know that, hey, I've been thinking about girls. Especially Kiko. I think she's damn fine and i want to date her. If any of you have a problem with it, then I'll date you, too.
I think the wizard should give me a medal of courage.